(Thoughts while househunting)
Things I like to consider when scouting out a new sarf Lahnden ‘burb.
1 – The high street. What’s the ratio of gadget and coffee shops to pound stores? A clue to the unwise; the ‘golden ratio’ is 5:0. Already this part of town takes a knock.
2 – Percentage of locals with all their own teeth. Lucky for them I’m willing to be fairly flexible. Just having teeth is enough, and as long as they’re vaguely in the right area, ‘the mouth’ being a good spot. You’d not believe some of the sights I’ve seen elsewhere in London.
3 – Is this a place I could be reasonably ok with being unemployed in? What’s the likelihood of morbid depression if living here while jobless? I don’t know. The shopping area is one big hill, so consider the ‘uphill walk in a cold rainstorm while listening to Joy Division having just been made redundant’. Christ, this isn’t looking great so far. I may slit my wrists now just in case. Longways isn’t it?
4 – Smile Factor. If the teeth are in the vaguely normal place (see 2) then we can expect to see some smiles. Maybe it’s because today’s cold and blowy, but from the looks of the faces I’ve seen, the natives appear to have stumbled on mass conspiracy that involves their entire families, Michael Winner and a industrial-sized crate of lard. Again, not so promising.
5 – Whoah. Is that Gary Glitter sitting at the other window of Starbucks..? Brrrr.
6 – There is a Laura Ashley store here. This is a Good Sign. It means there shall be summertime ladies with flowing tresses, floral printed sofas on every corner and dainty cups of lemon tea served by polite gentlemen in hats and long coats. Yes? No? Oh.
7 – Quality of coffee found on station platforms. Here on Platform 4 is a real Starbucks. Bearable, though it’d mean I’d need to lower my caffeine standards. Starbucks is to coffee as The Nolans are to neo-industrial Kraut rock.
8 – I need a wee..sorry.
9 – If EVER there was a redeeming feature of a town, I’ve just found it. There’s a goddamned Auntie Anne’s Pretzels here. Surely Fulham Broadway saw the last of those? I love Auntie Anne’s. Where do I sign?
10 – Wait. I can hear those crying babies *through* the double-glazing of the coffee shop. That’s not good.
11 – I really need that wee now. Bye.
–
Needless to say the area got the thumbs-down. Didn’t feel it at all. Next!
- aktt_notify_twitter: yes
- aktt_tweeted: 1