Nlogaxical – What am I doing here?

(Disclaimer; I’m still no Apple fanboi. iPads are pretty much the most pointless items on the planet, and whomever determines Apple’s pricing strategy needs to be sat down Clockwork Orange / Malcolm McDowell-style with eyes wired open, listening and watching the phrase ‘reduce your fucking price margins and help more people buy your stuff’)

Yes, another iPhone 4 review.  18 months on from getting my grubby mitts on an iPhone 3G and it’s been a rollercoaster of a time as far as ownership experiences go.

Jebus Phone V4

The original 3G review (from early 2009: ‘Is that an iPhone in your pocket or are you happy to see me?‘) listed a few shortcomings which I was hoping would be overcome in the new version.

• Size: The new version is possibly the most svelte, sleek device I’ve used.  Marginally narrower than the old phone but noticeably slimmer and with a flat underside (Dime Bar?).  Both the front and back are pure glass.  This phone is designed to be dropped by half of its users, who will then cry into their beers when it shatters into a thousand expensive pieces.
• Tactile Feedback: Already accepted that tactile feedback wouldn’t catch on. I’ve become used to the phone responding to my every touch in the same manner as an ex-girlfriend.  Not quite ‘recoiling in horror’ but close enough.
• Camera: The original 3G camera (2 megapixels, no flash, no zoom, no focus) was surprisingly good.  But this one is fabulous.  5 megapixels, a flash, digital zoom, touchscreen auto-focus.  Can’t help but think this should have featured on the 3G some 18 months ago.  Still, better late than never.  I’ll soon be drawn into using the front-facing camera for FaceTime – but only after Sambuca has featured in an evening.
• MMS: Fixed.  Has been fixed for months. Not that I use it much anyway.
• Ringtones: One of these days Apple will relent and do something sensible.  Give us the ability to just choose a stored track as a ringtone.  It’s not a big deal, yeah?
• Keypad button sizes: My fingers are still the size of Cumberland sausages. No amount of firmware upgrades are going to fix this sad, genetic fact of life.  If Apple are going be of any use to me, they should include cosmetic digit surgery in update 4.0.2.

What’s most impressive about this phone is the compact, dense, weighty feel.  When you hold the thing it just exudes high quality workmanship. The rounded and glossy casing of the prior versions feels almost toy-like in comparison. The screen is a huge improvement; bright, great contrast and a resolution which defies belief.  Also a beef which irked me through the past 18 months has also been partially fixed; battery life is now almost comparable with other phones.  So far with heavy use it’s proven difficult to bring the charge percentage down at any real speed.  As the months go on and the ‘toy novelty’ factor dissipates alongside this heavy usage, that battery life will seem even more improved.

One more thing; the network matters.  18 months ago I lived in an area where Vodafone 3G signal and speed were measurable using an abacus and a sundial.  Since then – and especially in the London area – O2 really dropped the ball (as the former sole provider of iPhones in the UK) and have taken Vodafone’s lowly 283rd place in the great 3G League of Speed.  Even with iPhones available on all networks, Vodafone seems very zippy in comparison.

So yeah. There it is.  Get this, or get something else.

Been thinking a lot about the two hours of film I saw on Saturday evening that’s been consistently noted and accurately rated as ‘a film which is about two hours long’. The more I say about Sherlock Holmes and the Sodding Huge Robotic Spiders From Croydon , the less the effect on paper. So some brief thoughts;

- Turn the lights up a little bit? Either I’m getting old or things were way too dark (Not asking for Blackpool illuminations here, just a notch up, that’s all)
- Between Guy Ritchie and the editor, there was an evil plot at work to speed up and slow down the pace. The overall impression was that the film was playing off a 1980s Walkman with cheap batteries.
- Geography. My internal satnav hurt. Baker St, Pentonville, Westminster, all conveniently located to, er, Tower Bridge. We get that Tower Bridge (part-constructed, like a 19th century ROTJ Death Star) is the big ticket CGI item – but the constant reminders were a bit much. No, a lot much.

It wasn’t a bad film per se. Just needed some additional tweaking. Deserves a second chance in the form of a sequel – which looks possible considering how things ended.

Holy shit. My senses have just been released from a 158 minute torture session in the annex of Guantanamo Bay know as ‘Cineworld Hammersmith’. All my own fault. Since seeing the first trailer of ’2012′, I’ve been waiting impatiently, looking forward to watching whole meaty chunks of Los Angeles turn upside down and become a sort of artificial coral reef in the Pacific. ‘Yayy’, I thought. Big stuff falling into the sea, volcanoes, tidal waves higher than mountains. Brill, bring it on.

Tonight I finally managed a viewing. Christ on a bike, what the FLYING FUCK was that?

Imagine every single nightmare scenario / apocalyptic mega film from the past fifteen years of movie history as it’s passed through a Hollywood body shop. It emerges from the garage in the shape of a 30ft patchwork limo stitched together from the most cliched of all movie scenes. What was witnessed tonight was an abortion..a complete Californian cut’n'shut disaster movie. Let’s look at some of those highlights checkboxes, yeah?

- Divorced dad who becomes hero to his family. CHECK.
- Two adorable kids. CHECK and CHECK.
- Noble US president. CHECK.
- Young scientist. CHEEECKK.
- Nasty gub’mint man in suit getting in the way of decent human acts happening. CH-CH-CH-CHECK.
- Presidential ‘Dudes, we’re all dead, thanks for all the fun’ final speech to the world. CHECK.
- Last phonecalls to family members. CHEC..uh, can’t be bothered anymore.

It was all there. Human tragedy on an epic scale, swelling strings, ‘I love you baby’ moments, bad scientific theories I’ve not seen since reading Whizzer and Chips. I could go on, but I won’t because I’m boring myself right this second. But the film went on..and on…and on. This stretched turd of a limo took two and a half hours to crawl past our faces, every panel straining with embarrassment at its own overblown presence. I don’t mind admitting there were moments when I thought to myself, “Why can’t they ALL just DIE NOW? I want to GO HOME.” By the end it felt as though I’ve been assaulted on every inch of my skull by a flailing disaster movie robot which felt the job hadn’t been done until bits of frontal lobe dribbled out of my nostrils and my pupils wore little ‘Tilt’ signs like a disgruntled pinball machine. I don’t know how I remember to walk from my seat when it finally ground to a halt, but somehow I did – two hours too late for my own good.

And yet…and yet…John Cusack still emerges from this with a modicum of cool. If this bullshit film doesn’t kill him or his acting career, it’s obvious he is a true superhero as the man is obviously indestructible.

This iPhone business is going to take some getting used to.  Had this one for a little under 24 hours and fooled around with it while working today. Since opening the box last night it’s gotten heavier to the tune of various albums and applications. Not that flash memory gets heavier with use or anything but you get the picture.

Things I like;

• Teh shinynezz. It’s gorgeous. Really be-yootiful.  Get a frame, display it in the Tate.  It’s that lovely.  Bernard Matthews would say so, I bet.
• Applications. They make it what it is. Not just a phone, not just an iPod. The quality of some is doubtful, but between Photogene and Wobble (home of iBoobs), I’m already pretty happy.
• Sound. This being an iPod it does all those rather fab iPod things like play music rather well. And – to my relief – there doesn’t seem to be any EU-invoked volume limiting nannyness. Yay hearing loss!
• Camera. 2MP but with the quality of something twice the pixel density. Great quality all things considered. The lens seems to be key here.  Although see the ‘downsides’ section.
• Interspod video quality. BBC iPlayer looks like it was born to be on iPhone.  Wow. Jonathan Ross’s interviewing technique is just as bad on the small screen as it is in 27″ HD!  Technology eh? Kh!
• Google Maps. Again, it suits iPhone better than Spit the Dog suited Carolgees as an arm extension.
• Speed. Finally I’m connected to a local 3G network pipe that’s noticeably faster than a pigeon fart. Bye Vodafone, this wasn’t your victory.
• Ginchy little stuff. The bit when you flick-scroll a page up or down and it keeps moving until a ‘natural’ stop.  That’s fab.  I want all my Mac apps to do that.  *flick*. flick*.  Nope, nothing.  Give that to me for everything! G’wan!

Things I’m still to be convinced about;

• Size. Smaller is better…for phones anyway.  For all the faults with the G900, it’s good for taking to the gym and sticking in your pocket.   Put this thing in my pocket and it’ll have the lycra’d laydees of Chiswick thinking I’m more than happy to see them (if you know get my drift?)    I like my gym membership and don’t really want to get chucked out now.  Need to think of a solution.  Bigger pockets, perhaps.
• Tactile Feedback.  I’ll miss real buttons.  The SE G900 at least vibrated when prodding the touchscreen, this doesn’t, the cold wet fish.  Make a happy little buzz or something.  Just for me.
• Camera. Yes, we did this already – but on the downside there’s a bizarre lens wobble which I’ve seen on other iPhones. Must figure out what causes it – maybe it’s some autocorrection algorithm for inebriated snappers.
• MMS. Can’t send or receive those without a potentially expensive app workaround.   No point though, barely use them anyway.
• Ringtones. Not a huge issue as most of the time silent mode is firmly enabled.   But it’d be nice to make the process of turning an MP3 into a ringtone less like the final hour of a Cisco practical exam and more like an idiot (me) proof clicky button.  No doubt there’s an app to make it easier.
• Keypad button sizes. And if there is an app to make it easier, I’ll have still missed it because all my fingers are like Cumberland sausages and every other word typed in to a text or search is spelt incorrectly or comes out in Japanese.  At least decent autocorrection works to save me most of the time. やったー!!  I mean, hurray!!

So far it’s a big win but I’m still working out the niggles.   Also need to give the battery life a proper test.   Being tethered to a USB port all day really does one no favours.  I try to get out, really I do.